It’s been hard to write lately. I’ve been blaming it on post-dissertation decompression, but I know it’s more than that. What feels like writer’s block is really stress.
When Stress Looks Like Writer’s Block
There are things on my mind that I haven’t wanted to really share except with a few friends and some of my family. It’s nothing horrible or tragic — at least, not in the grand scheme of tragedies. It’s really just horrible and tragic to me.
My time here in London could very likely be drawing to a close, and it’s something I fear, dread and cannot quite wrap my head around. I have a hard time saying it out loud, so I try not to. Yet it sits there, hovering around my psyche and polluting my thoughts.
Finding a Home in London
I’ve always felt a bit out-of-place in the places I’ve lived. I grew up in a city that I never liked. It was hot for far too many months out of the year and always seemed small despite being a fairly large city. I moved around a lot in my early adulthood and ended up in a city even worse than where I was raised. Oddly, I chose to raise my daughter there but that was more out of necessity and practicality. I didn’t like the idea of moving her around at my whim. It’s hard enough being a kid without having to make friends over and over again. So we stayed put in a town devoid of culture and drenched in all things superficial.
It wasn’t until I moved to London that I finally felt like I belonged and felt “at home.” It’s very odd to me since I have no family here and all my close friends are thousands of miles away. But this is where I have felt most free to be myself — completely comfortable and, above all, happy.
I walked more than seven miles a few Saturdays ago. It was an unplanned journey through the city I wanted to call my permanent home. I started at the Museum of London, where I had finally visited the Sherlock Holmes exhibition, then crossed the Millennium Bridge and followed the South Bank to Hungerford Bridge. From there, I walked up Regent Street to Regent’s Park and continued to Primrose Hill, where I could see my starting point in the distance.
When I first moved here I wondered if I’d become immune to the city. I feared I would stop noticing the beautiful buildings, marvelling at the Thames or getting giddy when I saw Big Ben. I’ve been here almost 16 months and I haven’t lost it. I have learned to negotiate the crowded touristy streets like Oxford and Regent and I don’t get lost as often as I used to but I haven’t stopped appreciating the various sights, sounds and people in this city. I still look out the window of the bus on my way to work in the morning and see new and interesting things daily.
When Your Future Is Out of Your Hands
It’s especially difficult right now because my future in this city is in the hands of other people. A promising opportunity to remain in London on a work visa was ruled out by the university. Its rules did not allow for the adjustment I needed, even though it would have helped one of its students.
It is what it is and it’s a lesson in what happens when you don’t get all the information you need before making decisions. I’m still hoping that my employer can do something that will help me stay. It’s a really good company that I’m absolutely thrilled to be part of. I can only hope that they see my worth and what I can offer the company in the long run so that I am worth whatever hoops they have to jump through to keep me.
So there it is; that’s the reason I am not able to write lately. I have written things, but angry diatribes directed at my university do not count and have no place here or anywhere. I know that, in the grand scheme of things, I am fortunate. I am grateful for the time I have had here and for everything I have experienced over the past 16 months. That does not make the possibility of leaving any easier.
A Walk Through London
The photos below are from my trek through London. Can you see why I don’t want to leave?
Looking Back from 2026
I wrote this in May 2015, when I did not know whether I would be able to remain in London. Eventually, I had to leave, and it took several years to make my way back. London is now my permanent home, and I have since become a British citizen. The original post remains largely unchanged because it captures how difficult it is to create when uncertainty takes over your thoughts.
Looking back, I do not think I lacked ideas or motivation. My mind was simply too occupied with uncertainty to make room for anything else. Often the answer is not to push harder or find another productivity technique. Sometimes you have to acknowledge what is taking up the space.
I hope you get to stay!