Making Friends as an Introvert: The Search for Friends

A couple of days ago I was grumbling to a friend back in the States that I was having problems finding friends in London. Yes, I have colleagues from the university I attend and they are great but I’m considerably older than most of them and we really don’t have much in common outside of our pursuit of higher education. 

My complaint was really more about making friends as an introvert — finding people closer to my own age who share some common interests.I know that a majority of the problem in meeting new friends lies with me.

Being an Introvert Is Not the Same as Being Shy

You see, I’m a full-fledged, card-carrying, small-talk-avoiding introvert and, to make it worse, I’m also shy (yes, those are two separate things…keep reading).

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines introversion as “the state of or tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one’s own mental life.” I take issue with that definition because it makes us introverts sound self-involved and unconcerned with life outside ourselves.

That’s simply not true.  Introversion and extroversion are more about how people get their energy. Extroverts get their energy from other people and social interaction. An introvert gets their energy from being alone. In an article for The Guardian, Oliver Burkeman, summarised it like this, “what defines an introvert is finding social interaction tiring and solitude revitalising.”

Despite common misconception, shyness isn’t necessarily a required trait. It’s more of an added layer or, in my case, complication. Some introverts are not shy at all. Some are actually quite outgoing. I know a couple. I sometimes envy them.

What Introversion Looks Like for Me

I’ve been reading a lot of articles about introversion for this post There is consensus on many aspects of this behaviour type. Many of us don’t like small talk.

While we can and do socialise, we need time alone to recharge because being social is exhausting. We tend to think before speaking (as a woman in my writing group pointed out…sometimes we think for days before commenting on something). And, one of my favourites, Some of us also seem to have a constant inner monologue — which could be what Merriam-Webster was really getting at.

These are all true and often misunderstood by non-introverts. I’ve lived with extroverts; I was actually married to one for nine years. They never understood that retreating to my room was crucial to my mental stability. Instead of seeing it as time to recharge, they assumed I was upset or depressed and pestered me to talk or “be happy.”

I’ve had other people tell me I shouldn’t spend so much time alone.  I know these people are well-meaning extrovert. Another introvert would probably understand my need for time alone and be less likely to suggest that I get out and be with people.

Probably one of the worst things about being an introvert (besides some of the things mentioned above) is that we are often perceived as anti-social. Speaking from personal experience, I disagree. Now if your definition of anti-social is not wanting to go out with a bunch of people and participate in endless small talk, then, yes, I’m anti-social. However, there are times when I actually want social interaction with one or two people who like to truly converse. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be whining that I don’t have friends here to do things with.

The Difficulty of Making Friends as an Introvert

Which leads back to my dilemma. I want to have friends here. You know, a few people who, when I want to crawl out of my introvert cocoon and go to a show or meet up at a pub, that I can call on and vice versa. However, as a shy introvert I have absolutely no concept of how to actually make that happen. This is one of the few times that I actually wish I was an extrovert

Most of the time it exhausts me just thinking of what they have to go through — all the people!

As an extrovert, I wouldn’t be petrified to attend a social event. I’d be able to make small talk without feeling like a fake. I wouldn’t be as afraid of saying something stupid because I’d just be good with talking and not necessarily thinking first.

As it is, it took me three months to get the nerve to go to my current writing group which actually involves spending two hours purposely not talking to each other (because we are supposed to be writing) before we participate in an optional social time afterwards.

Now, even after several months of being around these lovely people, I still don’t have the nerve to ask any of them if they want to socialise outside of the group.

Any suggestions? I’m open to any. Even if it’s, “Stop your whining and just get out there.” I’ll know you’re an extrovert if you comment with that, but I won’t hold it against you.