A couple of days ago I was grumbling to a friend back in the States that I was having problems finding friends in London. Yes, I have colleagues from the university I attend and they are great but I’m considerably older than most of them and we really don’t have much in common outside of our pursuit of higher education. My complaint was really more about finding people closer to my own age who share some common interests. I know that a majority of the problem in meeting new friends lies with me. You see, I’m a full-fledged, card-carrying, small-talk-avoiding introvert and, to make it worse, I’m also shy (yes, those are two separate things…keep reading).
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines introversion as “the state of or tendency toward being wholly or predominantly concerned with and interested in one’s own mental life.”[1] I take issue with that definition because it makes us introverts sound self-involved and unconcerned with life outside ourselves. That’s simply not true. Introversion and extroversion are more about how people get their energy. Extroverts get their energy from other people and social interaction. An introvert gets their energy from being alone. In an article for The Guardian, Oliver Burkeman, summarized it like this, “what defines an introvert is finding social interaction tiring and solitude revitalising.”[2] And, despite common misconception, shyness isn’t necessarily a required trait. It’s more of an added layer or, in my case, complication. Some introverts are not shy at all. Some are actually quite outgoing. I know a couple. I sometimes envy them.
I’ve been reading a lot of articles about introversion for this post (see Related Articles below for a few). There is consensus on many aspects of this behaviour type. We don’t like small
talk. While we can and do socialise, we need time alone to recharge because being social is exhausting. We tend to think before speaking (as a woman in my writing group pointed out…sometime we think for days before commenting on something). And, one of my favourites, we have a constant inner monologue (which could be what Merriam-Webster was really getting at).
These are all true and often misunderstood by non-introverts. I’ve lived with extroverts; I was actually married to one for nine years. They never quite understood that when I retreated to my room for an extended amount of time that it was crucial to my mental stability. They didn’t see it as my recharging time; they thought I was upset or depressed and therefore pestered me to talk or “be happy.” I’ve had other people tell me I shouldn’t spend so much time alone. I know these people are well-meaning extroverts because an introvert would find needing alone time perfectly natural and never dream of suggesting I get out and be with people.
Probably one of the worst things about being an introvert (besides some of the things mentioned above) is that we are often perceived as anti-social. Speaking from personal experience, I disagree. Now if your definition of anti-social is not wanting to go out with a bunch of people and have participate in endless small talk, then, yes, I’m anti-social. However, there are times when I actually want social interaction with one or two people who have common interests and like to truly converse. Otherwise, I wouldn’t’ be whining that I don’t have friends here to do things with.
Which leads back to my dilemma. I want to have friends here. You know, a few people who, when I want to crawl out of my introvert cocoon and go to a show or meet up at a pub, that I can call on and visa versa. However, as a shy introvert I have absolutely no concept of how to actually make that happen. This is one of the few times that I actually wish I was an extrovert (most of the time it exhausts me just thinking of what they have to go through…. “all the people!”). As an extrovert, I wouldn’t be petrified to attend a social event. I’d be able to make small talk without feeling like a fake (because that’s how small talk makes me feel). I wouldn’t be as afraid of saying something stupid because I’d just be good with talking and not necessarily thinking first. As it is, it took me three months to get the nerve to go to my current writing group which actually involves spending two hours purposely not talking to each other (because we are supposed to be writing) before we participate in an optional social time afterwards. Now, even after several months of being around these lovely people, I still don’t have the nerve to ask any of them if they want to socialise outside of the group.
Any suggestions? I’m open to any…even if it’s, “Stop your whining and just get out there.” I’ll know you’re an extrovert if you comment with that, but I won’t hold it against you. 🙂
Related Articles:
23 Signs You’re Secretly An Introvert
This Article Will Change Your Life: Introverts
[1] Merriam-Webster Dictionary. (2014). http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/introversion
[2] Burkeman, O. (2012, February 3). The Guardian: http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/03/this-column-change-your-life-introverts
On My Mind 
Jami – I completely understand. I have 17 of the 23 signs of introversion. I can’t tell you how hard it was for me to go to that first playgroup when I met you all at the playground. Wish I were closer to give you a friend. All you need is one..with one friend you can be brave about trying to make another other. Latch on to an extrovert so they can pull you along :>
I’ll always be glad that we both found the nerve to go to our first playgroup meetings. Lifelong friends were made through that. Maybe it just takes a bit of nerve to get out there….Must go find me an extrovert 🙂