It’s been hard to write lately. I’ve been blaming it on my post-dissertation decompressing but I know it’s more. I’ve been stressed. There are things on my mind that I haven’t wanted to really share except with a few friends and some of my family. It’s nothing horrible or tragic…well not in the grand scheme of tragedies. It’s really just horrible and tragic to me. My time here in London could very likely be drawing to close and it’s something I fear, dread, and can’t seem to wrap my head around completely. It’s something I have a hard time saying out loud so I try not to. Yet, it’s sitting there, hovering around my psyche and often polluting my thoughts.
I’ve always felt a bit out-of-place in the places I’ve lived. I grew up in a city that I never liked. It was hot for far too many months out of the year and always seemed small despite being a fairly large city. I moved around a lot in my early adulthood and ended up in a city even worse than where I was raised. Oddly, I chose to raise my daughter there but that was more out of necessity and practicality. I didn’t like the idea of moving her around at my whim. It’s hard enough being a kid without having to make friends over and over again. So we stayed put in a town devoid of culture and drenched in all things superficial.
It wasn’t until I moved to London that I finally felt like I belonged and felt “at home.” It’s very odd to me since I have no family here and all my close friends are thousands of mile away. But this is where I have felt most free to be me, completely comfortable, and, above all, happy.
I walked for over 7 miles a few Saturdays ago. It was an unplanned journey through this city that I want to call my permanent home. I went from the Museum of London (where I had finally visited the Sherlock Holmes exhibit) in the City of London across a bridge (Millenium), along the South Bank to another bridge (Hungerford) that I crossed and then ended up walking up Regents Street to Regents Park and then through to Primrose Hill where I could see, in the distance, my starting point. It was 4 hours of walking and looking and being in London. Four hours that I will cherish even if I stay here forever because I appreciate how that feeling of joy it gave me.
When I first moved here I wondered if I’d become immune to the city. I feared I’d start to not see the beautiful buildings and that I’d not glory over the Thames or get giddy when I saw Big Ben. I’ve been here almost 16 months and I haven’t lost it. I have learned to negotiate the crowded touristy streets like Oxford and Regents and I don’t get lost as often as I used to but I haven’t stopped appreciating the various sites and sounds and people in this city. I still look out the window of the bus on my way to work in the morning and see new and interesting things daily.
It’s especially difficult right now because my future in this city is in the hands of other people. A pretty promising opportunity to remain and receive a work visa was nixed by the University because they have rules and aren’t able to make adjustments that would help one of their students out. it is what it is and it’s a lesson in what happens when you don’t get all the information you need before making decisions. I’m still hoping that my employer can do something that will help me stay. It’s a really good company that I’m absolutely thrilled to be part of. I can only hope that they see my worth and what I can offer the company in the long run so that I am worth whatever hoops they have to jump through to keep me.
So there it is; that’s the reason I am not able to write lately. I have actually written things, but angry diatribes directed at my university don’t count and have no place here or, probably, anywhere. The fact is this is a very First World problem and I should be happy I get to be here for however long I get to stay. I am very grateful that I get to see sites like the ones I have seen and the experiences I have had for the past 16 months. The photos below are from my trek through London. Can you see why I don’t want to leave?
On My Mind 
I hope you get to stay!