Anger

I haven’t written here for over a month. I could pretend that I’ve just been too busy with my real life to take the time to share my thoughts. That would be a lie. Yes I’m busy, yes my life tends to interfer with things like writing a blog that is oddly enough supposed to be about my life and my thoughts. But that’s not why I haven’t stopped by. The real reason is because I’m angry and anger isn’t something I like to share.

In the past year the two most important men in my life gave disappointed me in ways I never saw coming. One I will eventually forgive because it was my fault for putting him up on a pedestal since I was a child. It’s not his fault I expected him to be perfect. The other man I don’t know about.

I keep thinking that what has happened and the way things turned out are maybe a sign that this person wasn’t worthy of my feelings. That maybe the trust and love I gave was never going to be enough. Why else would I be so quickly shoved aside when I showed a little weakness? Why else would he settle for something that had been wrong for so long because I wasn’t physically there? I know I’m not completely free of blame for the situation but what I did does not deserve the daily pain I feel.

So like I said, I’m angry. My stages of grieving are so grossly out of order and there are days I don’t quite know what to do with the anger. I don’t want to live my life this way. Living angry is so dangerous and I don’t want to become one of those people who gets so they hate life because they’ve been let down by the people they trusted the most. I want to find a way to respect these two people again. Maybe then the anger will subside.